What I Wish I Had Known about Parent Conferences

Parent teacher conferences can be a complete waste of time.  You pray that the parents can't make it.  You hope for traffic jams and calendar conflicts.  Many of my colleagues over the years have actually hated to meet with parents or to even make a simple call to parents.  Some of my friends who have left the teaching field for a variety of reasons will still state that one of the things they miss least is having to do parent conferences.

Many moons ago, I had my very first parent teacher conference.   Having always been a confident person, not much thought went into all of the things that could go awry.   It was a school requirement to have a more seasoned teacher join the first few conferences.  Still, I was excited to be a "real teacher" !   The conference went well enough, but I was very dissatisfied with the other teacher's input.  I had an objective, and I felt she had thwarted it completely.

I had a student who did not participate well in class, did not accomplish much in the way of classwork and did not ever attempt homework. (Obviously, this was back in the olden days when homework was seen as something students needed to do, and something parents needed to facilitate.)   This little guy was a mess in the classroom.  His behavior was less than ideal, and his motivation was nonexistent.  I definitely had a game plan in mind, and I definitely had several objectives.   Things did not go as I felt they would go.  After the conference, though I was a bit disappointed that the other teacher had scaled back on my game plan, I was at least optimistic that the student would begin to show progress the next day.  Alas, my highlighters, that was NOT the case.   It was not even remotely the case.  I was disappointed and aggravated.  As a matter of fact, in my estimation, he made little to no progress during the entire year, despite my best efforts.

Looking back, I can see there were a few gaps in my understanding of the parent teacher dynamic.  Having had countless conferences as a teacher and as an administrator, I wish I had known these things.  Perhaps they will help you, or at least keep you from becoming discouraged along the way.

1.  Parents love their children unconditionally.  I mean, on some level, I knew that.  However, when it comes to a conference, parents generally know that their child has weaknesses.  They do not want you to be super honest as they can find it insulting.  For example, if you try on a dress, and I think it makes you look like the size of a rhinoceros, you may ask me something like this:  "How do you think I look?  I'm not sure about this dress?  What do you think?"  My answer will not be, "You look like a rhinoceros in that dress."  Rather, I might be deferential and say, "It isn't your very best look.  I'm sure you will find the perfect dress."  Same answer, different tone.  Same meaning, but allowing someone to have the space to absorb what they already knew, and what you are confirming.  Sometimes parents take affront when you are openly critical because they feel it is an indictment on their parenting or on their genetic contributions to their child.  It is our job as teachers to deflect the personal feel of a parent's response and communicate what needs to be said for the benefit of the student. There are parents who are very in tune with their child's shortcomings and are genuinely looking for strategies to help their student improve.  Be thankful for those parents.
2. Parents' lives are more consuming than your specific class requirements.  Not everyone is living to fulfill your class requirements.  They have a life outside the confines of your class.  In other words, parents are over-scheduled;  they allow their children to be over-scheduled;  they may or may not have the ability to implement the suggestions you make in any real or consistent manner.  They may or may not be managing their home where the parent has authority and the child must respond to the directives of the parent.  They may not think your suggestions will be of use.  They may just agree with your suggestions to be able to please you, but may know in their hearts that it will never happen.  They may not be positioned to help you help their child.  (Of course, there are always parents who give it the old college try for a few days, but at the slightest hint of an improvement, they stop following the suggestions.)  Parents don't need a litany of every bad thing their child has done.  Parents need a summary and a gist of the general direction of things.  Don't be a fishwife in the conference. :)  For the over-scheduled parent and/or child, little can be done to solve their schedule.  It is our job as a teacher to help identify the ways they can succeed despite the schedule. Some parents will have consuming lives, but will ensure that students meet your class requirements.  Those are the ones you need to remember and for whom you should be thankful.  They are the ones that can help you make headway with the student.
3. Parents may have teacher baggage.  Sometimes we feel an animosity from a parent at a conference.  We need to recognize that many parents are harboring (whether consciously or unconsciously) old feelings from when they were students.  It causes a tension in the meeting.   There are parents who have the perception that teachers are out to get their student, that teachers don't know their student and that teachers are the enemy.  Being sensitive to the parents who have baggage can help you to diffuse the situation.  As a teacher, we will need to help parents drop their baggage by showing kindness, patience and understanding.  Other parents will come to the meeting and be ready to get to work without delving into personal biases and feelings.  Be thankful for them.
4. Parents appreciate a simple game plan that fits their lifestyle.    We have had conferences where parents request a daily written note concerning their child's behavior/progress.  A quick smiley face, straight face or sad face in the child's daily planner will be more effective than a note home every day or week.  You need a simple game plan as well to help you be faithful to it.  We need to keep things simple to help them have longevity.
5. Parents want the best for their child.  You may not always appreciate their priorities or methods, but you need to remember that the parents want the best outcome for their child.  If you can cooperate together, perhaps the best outcome will manifest itself.
6. Parents need you to hear them.  Parents need to be heard.  They need you to listen to what they are saying and what they are feeling.  They don't want to hear a big defensive campaign.  They want to know you heard their concerns.  This does not mean you allow parents to rant and rave and tell you that you are rotten.  It simply means that defense belongs on the football field, not in the conference.
7. Parents need to know you love their child.  You should know things about your students.  Being able to convey to parents that you know their child, and that you love their child greatly benefits your relationship with them, and your conference.
8. Parents need facts, not emotional diatribes.  If you are frustrated with a student, your parents should not be able to detect your aggravation.  Stating facts keeps the conference on point.

This is not an exhaustive list, but it may get you to thinking about your own list.  Next time you have a parent conference, take a deep breath and consider these thoughts.  If you can build an ally in the parents, you will be helping your classroom immensely.

First published September 10, 2017